Teen Choice Awards

So last night the JoBros got to host the Teen Choice Awards (I think?). Anyways the Teen Choice Awards are like a crappy Fox version of the Nickelodeon Awards that used to go on when I was in my youth and hosted by the one and only Rosie O.

Anyways, there was a segment called dare the Jonas Brothers--this featured crappy dares from idiotic girls who had nothing better to do then video themselves and put the dare on myspace. Here's a sample of the dares:
-Get your haircut on national tv
-Hug as many fans as you can in 20 seconds

I've played truth or dare a few times and those are the worst dares I have ever heard. We used to do stuff like drink this hot sauce and mayonnaise or put your balls on the sleeping kids face. You know good fun dares. Sadly I wasn't able to get my video camera working so I wasn't able to get my dares in on time but I'll include them here for you.

1. Pet a Grizzly Bear while holding it's child
2. Get a sex change on National TV
3. Do anything that Bear Grylls has done
4. Apologize to the Jews
5. Explain everything you know about music theory
6. Do the gallon challenge

Anyways, I didn't get them in on time so we will never see them be done.

They also ended the program with a song called World War 3. At first I was going to say "Hey FUCK YOU Jonas Brothers don't preach anti war you republican fucks!" but then I realized it's a song about a girl trying to start a fight about a relationship or something and then they decide not fight back aka be a pussy and then they use world war 3 as a pun to kill me now please...

Marriage in the Future

First and foremost my apologies for not being on the ball with posting recently I had an adorable kitten which needed to be played with. Now that she's a cat I kicked her out of my house. So, back to the hate.

So Kevin Jonas aka Creepy-Too-Old-to-be-Playing-to-Tweens Jonas is marrying this lovely piece of New Jersey ass.

I mean who wouldn't marry someone with an orange tint them, a few chins and a fucking outfit that makes it look like their head is held on by a tank-top turtle neck. By the way who decided that that is an okay shirt design. I don't know the last time I said to myself "Oh its gonna be a hot one out there today, but maybe just maybe my neck will be a little cool. Let me get my tank top turtle neck thank the lord Jesus Christ!" Now on to Jesus (that's what I call a segway!)as we all know the Jonas Brothers wear faggot rings because they are gay for Jesus--that is what obviously is leading to this marriage. Just let the dude slam some ribs and he'll see it's not for him and then he'll be like but Jesus doesn't like queers and BOOM! One less Jonas to worry about. That boom can be interpreted as a head blowing up by the gaining of truth about himself or a gun to the temple. Anyways, lets say that this marriage works. They bang he goes back and tells his brothers how cool it is and we have a bunch of young kids getting married that's a great example to set. This is why you have to let kids bang makes some mistakes and realize when they are thirty they need to drink a little less. Words of wisdom, write them down you'll use them when you're thirty. Or you can take the example of my personal hero Tyler Perry and "Slam and Scram!"

By the way as of right now we have a record setting 2 followers! Tell your friends to follow as well!

It's Catching On

The world is catching on to how crappy and evil this shit is. My buddies Trey Parker and Matt Stone who are the biggest fans of this here blog called me up the other day and were like "yo man good work you mind if we make an episode about how much the fucking shittards suck?" And I'm like ya no worries man so they took my advice on the assholes and made an episode. You can check it out online here

Ya so the world is finally catching on to how terrible and painful it is to listen to them. The revolution has begun and its time to get on the boat.


I'll tell you one thing though if it wasn't for those fuckholes we wouldn't have humor like this.



Enjoy that shit. God that kid is going to rape someone when he is older. Already got the creepster hair cut and glasses watch out folks.

OBAMA!!!

So what did we learn this weekend?? Jonas Brother 3D did not take the top spot in theaters this weekend!! But know what did?? Tyler Perrys Medea Goes to Jail (yah the black Ernest movies). Obviously there is only one person to thank for this shit my boy Obama. No way he went to go see a bunch of cracker fags this weekend, Obama hit the theaters to see his main man Tyler Perry crack hilarious jokes. Now hopefully when Obama went to go see Tyler Perry he brought his two little girls because word on the street is that they are fans of the Jonas Brothers?! Obviously, we can't blame them for this, when you're that small you're legally retarded and anything that is put in front of you you like. At the end of the first term we'll see if they still like them and if they do we're in trouble.

Thanks Obama for making Tyler Perry number 1, but we haven't even talked about that faggle rocks have a 3D movie. So why does this shit exist, I mean first off they should have nothing beside straight to DVD wal-mart bin movies just like all those disney fucks. You're allowed to make money on being queer-holed douches but you aren't supposed to be in theaters and especially in 3D. Imagine all those little twirps who dragged their parents to this shit and then, they had to wear those dumb glasses. Why the hell hasn't someone created a pair of 3D glasses that don't make you look like a freaking idiot already. But back to the main point here this crap shouldn't exist it's enough that I have to accept that they are making movies but 3D movies c'mon I don't want these guys to be any more real or in my face then they already are. Fuck the Jonas Brothers, Fuck 3D movies (that fucking Honey I Shrunk the Kid shit at Disney) that technology is shit. But Tyler Perry you're okay with me. Keep making UPN brand films as long as they keep our President laughing and the Jonas Brothers in second. Man look at that guy not scared of rain clouds looking like he's a pimp on top of the world (and box office) what a fucking baller I bet he bangs mad bitches. Look at that shit fucking pin stripes, fucking pin stripes! I bet that suit cost more than a child is worth in China, fuck you rock man!

Tyler you're my boy lets chill sometime.

Frauds - A History of Hate

Let me give you a short history of how this hate came to be. So honestly I did not know much about the Jonas Brothers until this summer. I knew they existed I felt the presence of evil in my everyday life, but I didn't know what it was. Figured it was some force like ZOOL and thus Bill Murray would have to take care of it and not me. However, I was wrong and I would soon find out. In the summer I sometimes work for a certain Disney owned morning news program, and we occasionally have concert series. As I was setting up the audio for this one show featuring the Jonas Brothers my boss made a joke to me about no point in plugging in the amps besides letting the red on light show. Didn't understand it at the time but as I got to the mixing board realized the fucktards didn't even have their volumes up. All the guitars were basically show! Unluckily, the shits did do their own singing so I had to sit through that crap. But the Disney made fads used their backing band to supply all the true sounds the audience was hearing.

Now, the real shame here lies in that backing band. These are probably professional musicians who in their life times have composed music that is much better than what they are playing now. And that is because middle America doesn't listen to good music. They listen to virgin ass'd pussies because that's what God wants them to listen to.

Idiots.

So what did we learn today? That the Jonas Brother's suck so much that their father company doesn't want them to actually play their instruments (like a band?) and that they should just stand on stage like idiots singing this teen pop to all their musically ignorant fans.

America!

Let Talk Purity Rings/New Jersey

So they wear purity rings, lets make fun of this. Of course you would think that the evil Disney empire wants to show pure kids singing to our youth, but no apparently this was their decision. This proves they are not Rock and Roll (for anyone out there still arguing that point) Let me give a quick definition of the terms.

Rock and Roll: Drugs, Sex, Alcohol and Good Music

Purity Rings: Abstinence from Drugs, Sex, Alcohol and Good Music

Here are some direct fucktard quotes
"a promise to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage,"
"purity rings [are] pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there."
I'm sorry half of that last quote made my head hurt.

FAGTREE!!

Now I don't hate them for being pussies that's legit, it's the fact that they think its "awesome" and that they are preaching this shit to our kids. It's the 21st century kids balls drop by age seven, bufuing by eight, slamming ribs by nine having babies by thirteen.

Anyways lets move on.



So they are from New Jersey. Now New Jersey gets a lot of shit. I mean it does suck but every once in awhile something good will come out of it. But for the most part its New York City's colon. However, its things like the Jonas Brothers that add to Jersey's stigma. Jersey this is what I recommend to you, let them know that you don't want the affiliation. Tell them to go around telling everyone that they are Canadian or something. Know what even kick them out of your state I'm sure you can come up with some bullshit reason. New Jersey, you need to step it up you kick the Jonas Brothers out of your state! I will publicly apologize for you state sucking and I will let the world know that you are a beautiful place that smells like cherry blossoms, angel whispers and unicorn smiles.

Out.

I'm a Little Suspicious - Jonas Brothers Ruin Another Classic

I know this is a little late but it has to be brought up. The Jonas Brothers played with the Stevie Wonder at the Grammy's. Let me clarify that the fucktards known as the Jonas Brother's played with the man who wrote Sir Duke, Superstitious, I Just Called to Say I Love You and of course Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day (and many others). Who let this happen?!? I mean yah of course Fuck the Jonas Brothers for being alive but know what, fuck the people who set up the Grammy line up even more. I mean Stevie Wonder is awesome and he's blind so that means he has super hearing, so he had to hear that shit even better than us normal people had to hear it. I just feel bad for the guy. It's funny though if you watch the video of this performance (which starts with some crappy song the pussies wrote) you won't see Stevie Wonder smile until Superstitious comes in. Also, when his song comes in the crowds applause blows up because they are so happy they don't have to listen to the crappy song the Jonas Brothers wrote. I don't really feel like embedding another video of theirs because its making this blog horrible to look at but I will give you all a link. Crap until about 2:10.

I like how the Grammy's knew they fucked up too, because they let Stevie close the night solo by himself. Trying to make up for the embarrassment they put the guy through.

The Beatles?!?! C'mon Don't touch the Beatles!

As most of you probably know, The Beatles have a great pop gem called Hello Goodbye its off Magical Mystery Tour and it just one of those happy songs. Listen to it and you can't help but feel good.



However, in the Jonas Brother's attempt to take all good out of humanity they have chosen to cover it. I will also embed this song but it's not for the faint of heart. (I have a very strong will and could only listen to about 20 seconds before my roommate had to pull the gun out of my hand).



Honestly, this makes me fucking sick. The Beatles arguable the greatest band ever have a catalog that should not be touched by these fucking bitches. I have no problem with covers if you do it with skill and care for the original song. These assholes just took a great song and said "Hey, we can play this faster and with distortion and all the teeny boppers will be able to relate to puberity." So know what I say, I say fuck the teeny boppers for allowing this band to be around. And to the Jonas Brothers come out and apologize to the surviving Beatles. Do you really think John, Paul George and Ringo would approve of this. Listen to any of their songs and then take a listen to yours. I'm sure Paul and Ringo are disgusted that you are what music has turned into.

Welcome

So over this past year I have come to know this fucking terrible band The Jonas Brothers. As a musician, American, human and caring member of society they make me sick. It is time that we band together and say FUCK YOU JONAS BROTHERS! Because they are taking over our tv's, cinemas, concert halls and are doing no good to our youth and even worse they are probably affecting my blood pressure (which is off the fucking charts) and once you attack me I have to go back at you. Check back often because I have a lot of ranting to do and they seem like they are going to keep playing.